my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
