We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
