i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
