Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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