he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
