Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
