The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
