I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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