Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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