If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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