Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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