yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
