yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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