just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
