I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize