john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
