The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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