Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.