I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
