FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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