I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
