True but thats because hes a fetus.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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