I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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