i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
