Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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