So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
