I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
