I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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