im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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