yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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