I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
