He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
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Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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