1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
