you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
