so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
