Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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