i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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