I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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