walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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