I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
