i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
They are going to name an STD after you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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