I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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