I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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