woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
