he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
