I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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