i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
