They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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