I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
