I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
