Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When are your genitals available?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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