Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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