i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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