i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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