either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
