apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
