my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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