I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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